I Was Surprised by What My Uncle Had to Say...

Take time to ask the right questions...and listen

Thursday, April 24th, 2025

Writing to you from Denver, Colorado

Last week my uncle and cousin came to Colorado from Illinois to check out one of the colleges here.

My cousin is nearing the end of his senior year of high school and, since college is more fitting for him, he is touring a couple different colleges with my uncle before he makes his final decision.

It was good to see them both.

Actually, the last time I saw them was at my father’s wedding, which was a year and a half ago.

Since I have been in Colorado (on and off now) almost 15 years I was the designated tour guide for them during the couple days they were here.

I figured that we might as well go on a hike - an easy one.

The trail was a short loop by the town of Evergreen - the first town we moved to in Colorado. My family has hiked that trail more times than I can remember. It’s a good place for a morning hike…pretty and surrounded by ponderosa pine trees that have reddish-orange bark and smell like vanilla.

Going Deeper

Usually the conversations that my uncle, cousin, and I have are pretty surface level and don’t amount to anything.

Of course, anytime you haven’t seen someone in a while and want to catch up with them the conversation is mostly going to be surface level stuff but, especially since my uncle is 30+ years older than I am, I wanted to ask him some deeper questions to get his thoughts on things.

“What are some of the greatest lessons you’ve learning in your life thus far?”, I asked.

“Hmm, let me think.”, and he paused for a few moments.

“I think that having no regrets is one of them. Are there things I could have done better in the past or do better now? Of course. But, all of the worst moments - getting cheated on, separating from partners, tough times when I was a kid - it all led to where things are at now so it was worth it. Those sequences of events which were pretty bad in the moment ended up being for the better. So yeah, I’d say having no regrets is one of the lessons.”

“All the bad things and all the good - it’s all part of it.”, I said.

“Yeah, exactly.”

“I’d say another lesson that I’ve learned is that if you’re young, well-meaning, and you work hard people who are older and have much more experience than you want to help you out. If you’re at a job and you listen to the guy that’s been there for awhile and watch what he does so that you can improve (and you’re willing to admit that you know nothing, but constantly show up and work hard) then that guy will try to help you move forward. It’s the people who go into things acting as if they know what they are doing that don’t last long and no one wants to associate with them.”, he said.

Funnily enough, we have gone over that topic a few times within the past couple weeks, so it was good to hear him bring this up as one of the greatest lessons he has learned in his life.

“Alright, I like that. That definitely seems to be true. Put in honest and consistent effort while also admitting that you’re a fool and older people will seek to help you”, I replied back to him.

“Yep. You’ve got me thinking now. I think I can think of some more", he said

“Another lesson would be to get toxic people out of your life - friends, family, strangers - whoever it may be. When I grew up, my mother was terrible to us. She would beat us until the back of my legs and back were all bruised. When I’d change into gym clothes at school people would ask what happened and I’d just tell them my mom was crazy. We were also constantly grounded, so everyone made fun of us because we never left our house. I don’t know if i told you this before, but my mom would make us vacuum the driveway.”

“What? Really?”

“Yep, she would make us go out there with an old Hoover and vacuum up all of the dusk, dirt, and pebbles on the driveway. We didn’t think anything of it. We thought everyone did it until we started being made fun of for it by other kids.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, it was crazy. My mom considers herself a disciplinarian, but has always been mean and said terrible things. She had questioned whether my kids were actually mine right in front of my new partner. Even though the last one cheated, she wanted blood tests done for the kids I had with my new relationship. She asked for the tests right in front of my partner and her mother (on mother’s day) and was pretty much calling her a cheater. Of course, my mom is my mom, but when someone does things like that - no matter who it is - it’s like ok you can go now.”

“You can forgive the person. Not necessarily to their face, but you can forgive them in your own heart and let them go if they are toxic to your life.”

“So, it’s sort of a ‘forgive them father for they know not what they do’ moment?”, I asked.

“Exactly. You can forgive them, but they don’t have to stay in your life.”

Unfortunately, my memory isn’t as good as I’d like it to be because there were a few more life lessons that he told me about, but I’ve forgotten them now.

Without a doubt, that is now the best memory I have with my uncle now - talking about his greatest life lessons. And, I feel like the two of us understand one another much more after that conversation.

The only thing I would have changed about that day would be getting my cousin - who was walking in front of us and staring at his phone - to listen in on what my uncle had to say.

A conversation like that is one you don’t want to miss…

Why You’ve Gotta Ask

You have to ask the people around you these questions and I’ll tell you why…

Questions like, “What are some of the greatest lessons you’ve learned in your life?” allow you to see the person as they truly are, without all the fluff. You’ll see what they really think, what matters to them, and you’ll get valuable wisdom that you can carry with you through your own life.

Ask the questions that cut to the core…

If you do you’ll get good answers, bad answers, and unbelievable stories from the person’s life that never would have been drawn out from them through surface-level conversation.

Also, what do you think asking that kind of question to someone you respect would do to their image of you?

In their eyes you are automatically elevated. You’re taking time to ask them an in-depth question, which shows them you care about what they have to say. Not many people have thoughtful questions to ask (and the desire for a good answer) so you’re respected more on that front. And, depending on how good of a listener you are, they will see that you do in fact want to hear what they have to say.

In an instant you’re viewed in a different light.

With one question you are gaining respect, building a relationship, getting to know someone as they truly are, and gaining wisdom acquired from the most reliable source: real life experience.

Who wouldn’t want that?

Ask the question.

-Maxim Benjamin Smith